When all the years you spend healing seems to crumble in an evening.

This is what it feels like:
I am tired of being scared.

I am tired: a waterlogged brain where if I squeeze too tight, I weep. If I exhale too deeply, I sleep. The kind of stillness that takes over when all the alarms are blaring, when senses are overtaxed. You stop looking for an off button. You relinquish control, and you freeze.

being scared. There is "new fear," that for many seems conquerable, navigatable, with clear eyes, curiosity and boundaries.

Then there is my fear.

She is not an emotion. She is a piece of me that broke off and fled, buried herself deep in the messy, complex universe of neurons. I've spent half a decade moving through the world without her, and in that journey experienced harm after harm. Violence after violence. Loss after loss that reminded me, over and over again, that: Death was around the corner. People could not be trusted. I was doing this alone. I deserved this harm.

I spent another 5 years looking for her. I clenched my teeth and dug my feet into the ground. I found my "No." I redefined what Love meant. I committed to that Love. That Liberation. Layer by layer, I dug, detangled, restored. I'm here.

I'm here now, but I'm so fucking tired.
I felt like I was so close to home, but today the wire has gone off, and the alarms are blaring, and my systems are buzzling, and I saw how far I still am.

In 2020 and 2021, every day is this:
Death is around the corner: The virus. The vaccine. The racial brutality. Surprise health emergencies. The air is dangerous. Protect yourself.

People cannot be trusted: Humans are careless. Humans are violent. Your loved ones are toxic. They're all self-serving. Protect yourself.

You are doing this alone: Isolate yourself for safety. Others don't understand your anxiety. They judge you for it. They suppress themselves for it. Your friends aren't your friends anymore. Your fear is a burden. Protect yourself.

I deserve this harm: no. I'm fighting this every fucking day. And so, I'm braced, prepared to defend, and heartbroken.

**************

The other day, my therapist wept when she called me resilient.
I just want to be free of it all.